Style Conversational Week 1154: All God’s critters got a place in our choir The Style Invitational Empress ruminates all over this week’s contest and results 74-time Loser (Ann Martin, Falls Church, Va.) reconsiders ordering the Texas-size pork dinner. She (Ann) is the subject of this week’s Meet the Parentheses, below. (Photo by Lucy Martin) By Pat Myers Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email // Bio // Follow // December 17, 2015 Don’t you love Bob Staake’s art for Week 1154 ? He sent me four totally different sketches and took me about 0.3 nanoseconds to opt for the “Abbey Road” parody. Even if the Feline Four’s faces don’t look very catlike, the tails are all you need. I should always give an extra week for song parody contests. I don’t see any reason why that can’t be a regular thing. I figure that I’ll be getting numerous parodies set to tunes from “Cats” or other animal-themed songs, although any well-known (or, for the Web Invite, at least linkable) song is welcome. Remember, though, that your lyrics have to be about — or addressed to — animals; it can’t be something like this fabulously clever (if very partisan)seven-minute medley of “Cats” songs about the GOP candidates. Do tell me what song you’re parodying! The results of this contest won’t be posted till Jan. 14, but hopefully there will be some to share at ... *THE LOSERS’ POST-HOLIDAY PARTY: SATURDAY, JAN. 9, RESTON, VA. * Many thanks to Loser Couple Mark and Claudia Raffman for their quick, merciful and generous offer in response to my plea in last week’s column for someone to host this season’s Loser party, which since 2010 we’ve been holding after New Year’s in hopes of avoiding conflicts with all those other seasonal events. I hope that if you’re on the Invitational’se-mail list , you received an invitation around 7:30 a.m. this past Tuesday. I know that some people didn’t get it, and that some people did get it but the link to RSVP didn’t work for them. We’ll send it out again after the first of the year, but don’t wait for that, even though it includes Craig Dykstra’s nifty graphic. Here’s the text: *Do Your Revel Best: Party With the Style Invitational Losers* Yes, you are so goshdarn fun to be with that you’re invited to the *Style Invitational Losers’ Post-Holiday Party* Saturday, Jan. 9 6:30 to 10p.m. At the home of Mark and Claudia Raffman Reston, Va. It’s a potluck -- Mark and Claudia will put out the plates, utensils, napkins, ice, etc., and some soft drinks, and we bring the rest. Spouses and other handlers are welcome. What to bring: Anything to eat and/or drink. If we end up with 17 cheese plates, we’ll be having cheese. If you really want some particular thing, bring it. Dress: Please do. (In any manner.) Reply to Pat Myers, Empress of The Style Invitational, and she’ll provide the address and further information. (I’m not messing with links here: Reply to pat.myers@washpost.com.) Need a ride or want to carpool? Let the Empress know and she’ll see what the Loser Community can do. Or post a request on the Style Invitational Devotees page. With malice toward none, With parody for all. ------------ So far I’ve heard from about 20 people, including some who’ll be attending their first Loser event, but also from such Invite Legends as Chuck Smith. And I was heartened to hear that Mark Raffman will be working once again with fellow Stellar Loser Parodist Nan Reiner — who’ll be flying up from Florida for the party — to create some songs just for this event. It’ll be hard for them to top their duets at the two previous Loser parties, at the homes of Stephen Dudzik and Craig Dykstra, but they somehow always manage. And Loser Steve Honley, a professional musician, has volunteered once again to accompany them on keyboard. So I hope that you — yes, even /you/ — come to your party with your meal-offering or sin-offering. I’ll be there in one of my assorted tiaras — either that or the pumpkin-pie hat prize that the winner didn’t want. If you’re not one of the regular Loser, brunch attendees, or Devotees, I’ll likely chat with you a little by e-mail before giving you the address and other party details. *WE’RE TERRIBLE WITH NAMES*: THE RESULTS OF WEEK 1150* /*A non-inking entry by Danielle Nowlin/ When I decided to do this contest to change one letter of someone’s name and describe the result, I knew that we’d have lots and lots of great ink four weeks later. And we did. But between those two moments, I wasn’t sure. I don’t have an exact count — I’d have to do it by hand — but the entries to Week 1150 definitely numbered in the thousands. Seventeen of the entrants hadn’t entered an Invite contest before, at least for the several years I’d been keeping lists of new people. Yay!! But man. Page after page of lame entries. I’d check off one name on two pages of the printout, comprising 50 entries. Some were just lame-lame; many others came up with funny names with less funny descriptions: I didn’t think joke justice was done to such funny monikers as Cookie Mobster, Doobie Howser, John Elvis Bush, Matt Damn, Run-Tin-Tin, Sinfeld, Madeleine Alright, Addle, Sinfeld, Vladi­mir Pupin ... But, as I repeated have to remind myself: /It doesn’t matter how many bad entries there are. It only matters whether there are enough good ones. /And of course there were. I’m running 47 entries, and there are others that Losers should use again for next December’s retrospective contest. Jeff Brechlin is the author of probably the best-known single Style Invitational entry, the “Hokey-Pokey Sonnet,” which won the Invite back in 2003 and lives on ubiquitously on blogs and social media, occasionally with his name attached . But Jeff also has close to 400 blots of Invite ink, and this week marks his 14th contest win. Jeff hasn’t been entering often in recent years, so it was especially fun to see his name pop up with “Napoleon Blonaparte.” Which still makes me crack up. Our other Big Jeff takes the second spot with “Jugs Bunny” as a name for Jessica Rabbit . It might be coincidental that Jeff Contompasis and family actually own pet rabbits, presumably fluffier than Jessica. And the Losers’ Circle is rounded out by Double Hall of Famer Chris Doyle and longtime Loser J. Larry Schott, who recently relocated from Florida to West Plains, Mo. — also, weirdly, home to Loser Drew Bennett. Something in the Ozark water? We do have a First Offender this week — Beth Karp of Portland, Ore., with “Tinderella” — and it was exciting to see the return of 236-time Loser Christopher Lamora, who’s moved back to the D.C. area from L.A. Week 1150, Bad Porno Names Division: The Unprintables We did run Frank Osen’s “Bashar Al-Asswad” this week, even in print; as I argued, of all the people in the world to call a vulgar name, Assad will draw the least objection. But I didn’t think these would past the Taste Police checkpoint: Alfred Itchcock: The director liked his leading ladies a little too much. (Chris Damm) Andy Warmhol: [oops, can’t share what I came up with here] (Arnold Berke) David Lee Froth: Rick Santorum’s favorite rock singer. (Chris Doyle) Dick Trace: A detective who specializes in solving sex crimes. (Tom Witte) Lyndong Johnson: Carried a bigger stick than Teddy Roosevelt. (Rob Huffman) *Meet the Parentheses: (Ann Martin, Falls Church, Va.), previously (Ann Martin, Bracknell, England) * /Ann decided to dispense with the Empress’s Q&A template, though she ends up answering most of the questions in it. Want to be next? If you appear somewhat regularly in the Invite these days, or are one of the top 100 or so ink-blotters of all time, the E hopes you’ll introduce yourself to the Greater Loser Community. Your current position in the queue: 1 — i.e., I have no bios left to run. For inspiration and guidance, take a look at previous weeks’ Style Conversationals at washingtonpost.com/styleconversational , and then write to me at pat.myers@washpost.com. / I am a Washingtonian born and bred, and a Post reader from my youth up. I can’t remember when I first became aware of the Style Invitational, but I was amused and mystified by it, holding(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) in awe and puzzling overthe Ear No One Reads . It took a long time to think that I, too, might submit something. First Ink came in the days of the Czar (“Open Pit is a good name for a barbecue sauce, but a bad name for a toilet bowl cleaner”). I am a teacher of Latin and German and whatever else you’d like me to have a go at. At one point I discovered that the mother of a student in my middle school Latin class was … the Empress of The Style Invitational! I hoped I could parlay this into increased success, but the Emp never cut me any slack; all my attempts at Classical jokes involving Ganymede or the ablative absolute case fell flat. I did my best to infect the rest of my family: my brother in Wisconsin now has his Fir Stink, and my son, daughter and son-in-law have submitted entries. Fortunately I come from a depraved family. Eventually I even entered the thrilling realm of Loser Brunches – which I could rarely attend because I am always ringing the bells at Washington Cathedral around noon on a Sunday. (Let me know if you want to learn — e are starting a new course in January.) One time, I cleverly got around this by inviting the gang for an early brunch near the Cathedral and then taking them up to the tower. It was at least half an hour before they were thrown out. (I also was a member of the U.K. Loser branch for six years when I taught Latin near Windsor Castle.) My other hobby besides ringing is solving, and occasionally setting, British cryptic crosswords , in which the clues often contain anagrams (hence my preference for anagram contests). My favorite of my own clues (not using anagrams): “Why tin cups might be appearing in ‘Hamlet’ ” (10 letters). This experience has proved a handicap when I write clues for the Invitational’sbackward crosswords ; I keep forgetting to make them funny instead of precise. I qualified three times for the Times of London’s crossword competition, but never came near to the top finishers (the kind who time their eggs by how long it takes to solve the daily puzzle). I’m having a great time getting to know my fellow Losers. Keep the cheesy puns coming. Oh, the tin cups in “Hamlet”? Well, obviously the answer is “For tin bras.” --- Hope to hear from you soon, both with your entries and with your RSVP.